venting

okay so here is the deal. there is a bunch of shit i need to vent out and i’m doing it. i’m done. if you are tagged in this it doesn’t necesarily mean that any of it is about you. it most likely means i wanted you to read it.

i’m so done with investing myself in people and getting shit on for it. i’m tired of worrying, caring, and thinking about people who obviously don’t give a shit about me. i’m tired of the promises that turn into lies. yes i know that everyone has their own shit, yet i seem to be the one who can, for the most part, put my shit aside to check in on my friends regardless. i won’t put my shit aside when i feel i’m being disrespected. i won’t put my shit aside when my own mental health hangs in the balance. but do most of you realize that the lack of contact affects my mental health. that worrying, caring, and thinking about you affects who i am? so i’m sorry, but when people say they are going to always be there, that they will call, text, whatever they say they are going to do, and they don’t it effects me. it hurts me. deeply. and when i actually get to the point that i ask for help or contact and don’t receive it, that crushes me. asking for help is not easy for me, especially when i ask for it and don’t get it.

i also don’t understand the deep seeded need of others to “one up” people. i don’t care who you are friends with or not friends with. i know who i am friends with. that’s what matters. i’m secure in those types of friendships, the good, the bad, and the ugly of them.

most people have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly of me. particularly over the last year. i’m tired of apologizing for who i am. take me or leave me, that’s your choice. if you are truly a “friend” you take the good, the bad and the ugly of the person you are friends with. it takes courage and guts to have a true friendship. it takes trust…and maybe i just trust too easily.

i internalize the problems of others. i know for a fact that i’m not alone in this. i care deeply, and it seems yet again this has gotten me into trouble. it has gotten me to the point where i’m so tempted to just walk away from everyone for the sake of my own sanity.

yet at the same time, some of my friends have stepped up in ways i never thought possible. i don’t know what happened to the child i was friends with, but the adult who i would consider my best friend again is amazing. it amazes me the wisdom and caring capacity of a teenager wise beyond her years. the new people who have come into my life for reasons i don’t know, and i feel blessed for that. the people who have come back into my life i’m grateful for. the people who will send random text telling me they are worried when they haven’t heard from me in days keep me going when i get to that place where shutting out the world for days sounds like a good idea….which is a place i’m quickly approaching.

i guess if you got this far i should thank you…. i welcome the comments or the messages.